Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Seattle TV News Schizophrenic Over Weather And Paranoid About People Not Being Able Go To The Mall And Damaged Goods Tots Because No Toys

I was watching KING 5 News last night and Reporter Jim Forman, who can sensationalize the shit out of anything, said no matter what don’t go out of the house tonight or you’ll probably die.

He doing a remote report from inside this new KING TV four-wheel drive SUV they’ve deemed “SNOW5” that he and other reporters have been running around in during the snow storm that shows you a live shot out the front window of the black ice covering everything and then a headshot of a talking reporter talking about the "side streets" in rotating segments. Forman is wearing a huge goofy fur lined hoody thing that is total winter attire overkill. It was more like something a drag queen would wear if it was snowing.

Then the reporter in the next segment, whose name escapes me, comes on and said not to come to the SEATAC airport no matter what or you’ll probably freeze to death or die from sleeping on the floor while being mugged by strangers who already have stole your luggage. But at the end of the report she said that if anyone wants to bring bedding and cots to the airport they be greatly appreciated. I bet that will make that cop who’s trying to get you to not stop on the drive way at the airport happy.

Then the two Asian lady anchor reporters have small talk about how nice it be if we have a White Christmas then segue into a feel bad story about the toys for tots and the toys program for poor kids that reports that the toys are just sitting there in the warehouse, “because no one came to get them." "Will Santa deliver the toys on time?“ Then it’s time for the weather and more gratuitous small talk about how it’s great weather to build a freaking snowman and have a cup of cocoa, but if you leave your house your going to die because the weather is so bad and the streets are all a sheet of black ice.

"Please remember to dress warm if your going to go out or you have to work and here's a report on how to put on chains while getting the kids ready for school." No. I'm planing on going out completely naked from the waist down you freaking idiots! What's the big deal about that?

If I was running the news when a snow storm hit Seattle I set a live camera up at the top and bottom of every steep hill in Seattle and have someone sort of wave every unsuspecting half-assed driver through. "It fine don't worry, you can make it, It's just he counter balance." I'd put that on TV for sure. Forget all regular programing I could watch those crashes 24/7. It never gets old. All the bozos crashing into each other in those slow motion sliding out of control up and down the hill snow driving videos we all know and long for from the moment we see the first flake. It gives you that Hindenburg "Oh the humanity" feeling every time you see some unsuspecting Seattlelite lose control of their car on a ice and snow covered hill.

After the commercial they come back with a story of a mall shooting in San Francisco which is just like the one we had here at Southcenter Mall. Then a story about how all the retailers are losing their asses because of the economy and the fact that the snow is ruining business. They fail to mention that they've scared the shit out of us with so much reporting about mall shootings and black ice that no one is going to the mall because we might get shot or end up in the ditch.

Now it's time for the scare the be-Jesus out of you weather report person who comes on and instead of giving you the report teases you with something like, “could it snow another three feet and bury your house and make your carport collapse tonight, well stay tuned because we’ll have the latest report coming right up”. “Remember always tune to KING5 for the latest news on how the damn storm is going to blow your god damn house down. Because we got that special storm tracking Doppler radar guided spy in the sky school net whatchamacallit super duper cry wolf storm forecast”.

Then Jean Enderson has a segment on how scientists have discovered that freezing your ass off really is a way to prolong life expectancy if you don’t take it too far. This is followed by a story of a lost puppy found wandering aimlessly in the snow in Wallingford and that’s now been placed in a giving warm animal loving home and smothered in lots of doggy toys courtesy of PETCO and the homeless dog society.

Time to throw another log on the fire I guess.

1 comment:

  1. http://www.washblog.com/story/2008/12/23/165756/53
    is how I found your GREAT take on the weather news -- too bad this is a story the media WON'T cover.

    also have soviet sidecar rig -- but mine is a 2-wheel-drive dnepr.

    strange how we find one another...